Not me Monday (and it's only Tuesday)

UPDATE:  I am NOT reusing my post from last week that I worked on for a whole week and didn't remember to post until almost midnight last Monday.  

Here are a few short additions from this past week:

I did NOT break the beater for the hand mixer making peanut butter cookies.
I did NOT order the wrong size chair cover for Tobi's chair fully embroidered with her name making unreturnable.
I did NOT get a little teary hearing Tobi say "Daddy, I love you!" totally unsolicited when Ben got her up the other day.

OK, I did but I think that's worth a little emotion!

ORIGINAL POST:

PART 1

I am NOT starting this post on Tuesday because I had so many things happen just since yesterday that I needed to get them off my chest already. 

I did NOT hear a horrible grinding noise when I turned on the disposal to clear out the sitting water in the sink only to discover that one of my husbands knives..the knives that I often get in trouble for not taking care of properly...had fallen into the disposal and now had a chewed up handle and a bent blade.  Oh my goodness...of all the things to fall down into the disposal...why this?  I have already NOT chewed up several pieces of silverware and a glass in the disposal on previous occasions.  Good thing because that would mean I was careless and never learn my lesson!  Yikes. (The picture below is of an undamaged handle...)

I did NOT accidentally snip the clothing of the brand new baby doll Ben bought for Tobi (before we even gave it to her) because of my ingenious idea to snip most of the wires holding the baby in the box before wrapping it.  I was jut imagining opening the baby and Tobi having a fit while we tried to get the doll out of the packaging...so I was just being proactive and I felt quite proud of myself for my great forethought.  Why didn't I just leave well enough alone???

I did NOT find a significant gouge in our supposedly indestructible laminate floor.  And if I did find a gouge while trying to wipe up a large spill on the floor, I am sure I could NOT have been the cause of the gouge because I am never careless and let things drop on the floor and I am sure I would have discovered it right away because I clean the floor so frequently not just when there is a spill.

I have not had to pick up the mail box off the ground to get the mail several days this week since the post it rests on was so rusted that it only took one good storm and a little pressure from the plow to completely knock it over.  We did NOT just prop it up in the snow because the ground is too frozen to even think about putting up the new one (that we have had in our garage for over a year).

PART 2 (Sunday afternoon)

I am NOT writing this while sitting in line in the truck waiting to see if we can get on the ferry off the island.   We spent Christmas with Ben's family on an island in Maine which is only accessible by ferry...which apparently can't operate if the wind is above 30 knots.  I am NOT anxious about this because if this ferry is canceled then it will be madness trying to get off the island tomorrow and it would mean unpacking everything we just loaded onto the truck.  This would mean we would be late to my family's Christmas celebration.  (update: Canceled ferry and our trip has been postponed until Monday...and I did NOT have a personal pity party complete with tears when we saw the cars turning around confirming that in fact the ferry was not going to make the trip that day.)

Oh and let's just go back a few days while I am sitting here waiting....or NOT waiting, I mean.
I did NOT break out in crazy hives all over my cheeks and chest last week for some still unknown reason.  And if I had my husband would surely NOT have looked at my face and said, "Ewwww, that looks really bad."  (There is no accompanying picture with this!)

I was certainly NOT awake making up candy packets and wrapping gifts at 2:30 am since we had to be up at 4:00 am to make the 9:00 am ferry to get ON the island on Christmas day.  And then I am glad to say I did NOT come down with a nasty cold on Christmas day due to my complete lack (as in ZERO minutes) of sleep the night before!

Despite all the things that did NOT happen this past week we DID have a truly lovely Christmas celebration with our families.  Thankfully the silly little things that happen to us and perhaps cause a little embarrassment and/or inconvenience are somehow lost in the true reason for why we have been celebrating at all.  Jesus, God born as a babe, lived among us and then paid the ultimate sacrifice...he gave his own life so that we might have forgiveness and eternal life.  Now compared to that...what are a few bumps on your face and a missed ferry ride anyway???

Not Me Monday -

It did NOT arrive over and hour late to my friends house (granted it was the first time going there) because I was too busy talking with the other person in the car to pay attention to the GPS and took a wrong turn or missed an exit two three many many times.  Who gets lost WITH a GPS?  NOT me!

I did NOT park the car on a sloped sand-covered driveway and get out of the car only to realize the car was slowing slipping down the hill with my 16 month old daughter inside.  And if that had happened my first instinct would NOT have been to grab onto the car thinking that I was going to hold our station wagon up single handedly!  Thankfully I came to my senses and jumped back in the driver seat, pulled up the emergency break and sat in the car to make sure it wouldn't still start slipping....I mean if any of that had happened that's what I would have done!

I also did NOT run out in the freezing-cold last night just to get my Christmas cards in the mailbox AT the post office so they would go out first thing in the morning, only to read AFTER I dropped all the cards in that that mailbox's first pick up is at 3pm!!!!  What?  I could have delivered them myself by then!  Good thing I did NOT do that.

 To read more you can visit the whole Not Me!  carnival here.

Oh what fun...

Yeah for December!  And now that I don't have to go anywhere I even love the snow.  It was a beautiful snowy day on Wednesday here...I love how the world completely changes after a good snowfall...and we had two this last week.

I wondered how Tobi would react to the snow.  So it took us 20 minutes to both get properly bundled.  And then we headed outside to this beautiful winter wonderland!  And she liked it....

...for a minute.  I made a snow man to cheer her up.  You can see how well it worked.

She did not appreciate being being plunked down in knee high snow, while cold snow fell on her face and she could do nothing about it!  Poor baby!

On Sunday we went for lunch to our friends' house form church.  They just happened to be going to pick out their Christmas trees that day, so we tagged along on their family outing and got our own tree. Last year we bought our tree from a local place but it was already so dry when we brought it home.  This year I was all for cutting down our own tree in hopes that in would last a bit longer.  So we did.

Here are few pics from our first tree cutting experience as a a family.  (All the really nice, bright pictures are taken by the Earp's daughter, Bethany, a great photographer with a nice camera.  All the less than bright pictures are taken by me, a much less skilled photographer with my Cannon point and shoot. Ooh...twinge of jealousy!)

Heading out to find the perfect tree.

Tobi scouting from her lookout.

The Earps (um..obviously my camera and I just honed in on the real picure being taken)

Watching a snow wrestling match.

Family photo.

We found our tree.

Ben attempting to cut the tree with Tobi on his back.

Tobi, not so excited about being put down in the snow, still in the pack.

My muscle man.

Innovative way to carry a tree.

Thankfully the tree guy came and rescued Ben from having to carry all the way back on his head.

It was a fun day.  We came home and put the tree up.  The next day Tobi "helped" me decorate.

Our 2009 ornament.

So, the house is decorated for Christmas...I even got to see it all lit up (not normal since I am the one who turns on the lights and when I do I am already inside) when I drove home from worship team practice last night.  Since the moment Ben showed me this home I have always felt that this house was made for Christmas.  Our 18th century colonial home may not be made for winter cold but it does beg for Christmas greens and candles.  I love this house.  I love this time of year.

Not Me Monday

How appropriate that this would happen today on Not Me Monday!





I did NOT step on a tube of diaper cream that Tobi lifted from the diaper bag.  Of course if I had done that I would have thrown the leaking tube away immediately so that later on when we returned home Tobi would not find said tube again and completely cover her hands in pasty goop!!!  Ugh!

To read about what others did not do you can read MckMama's blog for more fun.

Loss

(warning: longest post ever!  but I had a few thoughts to share)

Sadness.
Thanksgiving.

It is strange how these two things have been so intertwined for me this week.  It's not the kind of thing I am just saying because this is how I should feel.  It is really how I have felt in such an overwhelming way.

We lost our baby after almost 15 weeks of pregnancy.  I started spotting a week ago Friday and prayed that it was just the kind of spotting that you read about that so many people experience in pregnancy.  The kind that turns out to be nothing.  The kind that disappears and never returns.  But that wasn't to be the case.  The situation got worse, not in a dire way, but slowly.  I started to think that this was not going to get better on it's own.  Our mid-wife had us come in and she examined me and tried to find the baby's heart beat.  Just about 3 weeks ago we were listening to a healthy heartbeat and marveling once again that something so small could have such a strong beat! This time she tried and tried to find it...but nothing.  She had us go down to have an ultrasound.

It's strange in those moments...holding on to  a shred of hope but also not wanting to deceive yourself into thinking everything is okay when in all probability it isn't.

In the ultrasound I refused to look at the screen...I closed my eyes...but when the nurse said nothing...I knew...if she had found something to give us hope she would have said something.  But she left the room saying she was going to look over the images.  Ben had looked...and he said it didn't look good...no movement.  Last time we had an ultrasound at 8 weeks we could SEE the heartbeat when that baby was just 19mm long.

But now in this room we still hadn't received the confirmation...so even then...even then...I was holding on to a thread...a single shredded thread of hope.  I knew it wasn't good...I knew what the probability was...but until I heard those words there was some sort of strange in between land I was living in.  I even longed for someone to come in the room and just tell me definitively what happened...good or bad.  That finality had to be given for me to really let myself feel it fully.  And then the mid-wife came in and said "I'm afraid I don't have good news..."  And that is when I KNEW...and that is when I cried.


Earlier that morning, in the midst of wondering what was going on in my body, before we knew what the day would hold for us, we woke up to both our phones beeping with multiple messages.  There was an urgent and desperate message waiting for us.  Ben's college roommate and certainly one of of his very closest friends was trying to reach us.  Suddenly our situation shifted from our own confusion to concern for our friends.  Ben's call back brought the most tragic news.  Their five year old daughter had died.  Of all the possibilities of bad news that it could be that was my deepest fear, that something had happened to one of his children.  Oh, dear Lord!  Ben came in the room with tears in his eyes.  We prayed and cried together...the first of many times that day.

We found out later that day that their daughter Grace had died from a rare and unstoppable form of bacterial meningitis.  She had been healthy and full of life just a week earlier.  A sudden fever and continuous vomiting brought them to the emergency room.  Despite every effort they were unable to save her...and in just a couple days time she was gone.  This is just too much.

Ben was able to travel to NY for the funeral.  He played the piano.  He said that it was, of course, the last place he wanted to be, but in spite of the tragic nature of the event that drew so many there the service was wonderful.  A celebration of a little life.  A chance to share about their complete trust and dependence on God...even when we can't possibly understand the why.  Ben said Grace's family spoke with such strength and profoundness, it was just amazing.  I was sad not to be able to go.  I was still healing from my procedure the night before.  I wish I could have been there for our friends and for Ben.  But I am so glad Ben was able to go and just be there in their time of need.

Now it is more than a week later.  I feel like I'm pretty much healed from my procedure.  I am moving on and processing what this means for us.  I still have moments where I forget I'm no longer pregnant...looking at double strollers in the catalogues, thinking twice before drinking caffeine, looking at maternity clothes, etc.  But for the most part I've started looking forward to the future and praying that we will be able to try and expand our family once more.

I am still sad sometimes but mostly I am thankful.  I found myself being so deeply thankful for Ben...there is nothing like this kind of experience to make you realize how much you need each other and how great it is to have a partner who loves me.
Grace's death immediately gave us perspective on our own situation.  Of course our loss is hard...the loss of the hope we had in growing our family...the loss of a life that we never got to know.  But in comparison to what our friends are going through I can not even compare the heartache.
I am so thankful for my Tobi.  Of course I try to never take her life for granted...but I also have been reminded that there are no garuntees.  Every moment is a gift.  We are not in control no matter how much we try to be or think we are.  I am thankful for a God who is sovereign and whose ways are higher than mine.  I am so thankful for the love of friends and family.  I have been so encouraged to know that so many have been praying for us...sharing our burden...grieving for our loss. It's something for which we have felt so grateful.

So in my sadness...maybe even because of it... I feel thankful.

^" Though the fig tree does not bud
       and there are no grapes on the vines,
       though the olive crop fails
       and the fields produce no food,
       though there are no sheep in the pen
       and no cattle in the stalls,
  yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
       I will be joyful in God my Savior.
 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
       he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
       he enables me to go on the heights."
( Habakkuk 3:17-19)