Loss

(warning: longest post ever!  but I had a few thoughts to share)

Sadness.
Thanksgiving.

It is strange how these two things have been so intertwined for me this week.  It's not the kind of thing I am just saying because this is how I should feel.  It is really how I have felt in such an overwhelming way.

We lost our baby after almost 15 weeks of pregnancy.  I started spotting a week ago Friday and prayed that it was just the kind of spotting that you read about that so many people experience in pregnancy.  The kind that turns out to be nothing.  The kind that disappears and never returns.  But that wasn't to be the case.  The situation got worse, not in a dire way, but slowly.  I started to think that this was not going to get better on it's own.  Our mid-wife had us come in and she examined me and tried to find the baby's heart beat.  Just about 3 weeks ago we were listening to a healthy heartbeat and marveling once again that something so small could have such a strong beat! This time she tried and tried to find it...but nothing.  She had us go down to have an ultrasound.

It's strange in those moments...holding on to  a shred of hope but also not wanting to deceive yourself into thinking everything is okay when in all probability it isn't.

In the ultrasound I refused to look at the screen...I closed my eyes...but when the nurse said nothing...I knew...if she had found something to give us hope she would have said something.  But she left the room saying she was going to look over the images.  Ben had looked...and he said it didn't look good...no movement.  Last time we had an ultrasound at 8 weeks we could SEE the heartbeat when that baby was just 19mm long.

But now in this room we still hadn't received the confirmation...so even then...even then...I was holding on to a thread...a single shredded thread of hope.  I knew it wasn't good...I knew what the probability was...but until I heard those words there was some sort of strange in between land I was living in.  I even longed for someone to come in the room and just tell me definitively what happened...good or bad.  That finality had to be given for me to really let myself feel it fully.  And then the mid-wife came in and said "I'm afraid I don't have good news..."  And that is when I KNEW...and that is when I cried.


Earlier that morning, in the midst of wondering what was going on in my body, before we knew what the day would hold for us, we woke up to both our phones beeping with multiple messages.  There was an urgent and desperate message waiting for us.  Ben's college roommate and certainly one of of his very closest friends was trying to reach us.  Suddenly our situation shifted from our own confusion to concern for our friends.  Ben's call back brought the most tragic news.  Their five year old daughter had died.  Of all the possibilities of bad news that it could be that was my deepest fear, that something had happened to one of his children.  Oh, dear Lord!  Ben came in the room with tears in his eyes.  We prayed and cried together...the first of many times that day.

We found out later that day that their daughter Grace had died from a rare and unstoppable form of bacterial meningitis.  She had been healthy and full of life just a week earlier.  A sudden fever and continuous vomiting brought them to the emergency room.  Despite every effort they were unable to save her...and in just a couple days time she was gone.  This is just too much.

Ben was able to travel to NY for the funeral.  He played the piano.  He said that it was, of course, the last place he wanted to be, but in spite of the tragic nature of the event that drew so many there the service was wonderful.  A celebration of a little life.  A chance to share about their complete trust and dependence on God...even when we can't possibly understand the why.  Ben said Grace's family spoke with such strength and profoundness, it was just amazing.  I was sad not to be able to go.  I was still healing from my procedure the night before.  I wish I could have been there for our friends and for Ben.  But I am so glad Ben was able to go and just be there in their time of need.

Now it is more than a week later.  I feel like I'm pretty much healed from my procedure.  I am moving on and processing what this means for us.  I still have moments where I forget I'm no longer pregnant...looking at double strollers in the catalogues, thinking twice before drinking caffeine, looking at maternity clothes, etc.  But for the most part I've started looking forward to the future and praying that we will be able to try and expand our family once more.

I am still sad sometimes but mostly I am thankful.  I found myself being so deeply thankful for Ben...there is nothing like this kind of experience to make you realize how much you need each other and how great it is to have a partner who loves me.
Grace's death immediately gave us perspective on our own situation.  Of course our loss is hard...the loss of the hope we had in growing our family...the loss of a life that we never got to know.  But in comparison to what our friends are going through I can not even compare the heartache.
I am so thankful for my Tobi.  Of course I try to never take her life for granted...but I also have been reminded that there are no garuntees.  Every moment is a gift.  We are not in control no matter how much we try to be or think we are.  I am thankful for a God who is sovereign and whose ways are higher than mine.  I am so thankful for the love of friends and family.  I have been so encouraged to know that so many have been praying for us...sharing our burden...grieving for our loss. It's something for which we have felt so grateful.

So in my sadness...maybe even because of it... I feel thankful.

^" Though the fig tree does not bud
       and there are no grapes on the vines,
       though the olive crop fails
       and the fields produce no food,
       though there are no sheep in the pen
       and no cattle in the stalls,
  yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
       I will be joyful in God my Savior.
 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
       he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
       he enables me to go on the heights."
( Habakkuk 3:17-19)